Pepe: 1983-2016

REAL Madrid footballer Pepe has been laid to rest following a fatal cheek-brushing in the Champions League final.

The deadly blow was struck by Atletico Madrid fullback Felipe Luis, who gently brushed Pepe on the side of the face and snapped his neck in half.

Pepe was born in agony in Brazil and played in excruciating pain for Maritimo and Porto, before moving in unbearable torment to Madrid in 2007. He made over 300 anguished appearances for Los Merengues, scoring 13 tortured goals.

Real manager Zinedine Zidane said: “No-one suffered more than Pepe. A lesser man would have given up after being repeatedly shot by invisible snipers over the course of his career, but Pepe kept going, even though we could all see how much he was suffering.

“Before our next game, we will observe a minute’s rolling around on the floor.”

Mourners at Pepe’s funeral watched a video montage of his happiest moments, including his headbutt on Thomas Muller, his stamp on Lionel Messi, and his numerous flying assaults on Dani Alves.

Football fan Julian Cook said: “It’s a tragedy, because it means I won’t get to kill him myself.”

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Daily Mail and Guardian discover they have the same father

THE Daily Mail and the Guardian have discovered that they share a biological father.

Both newspapers received phone calls from a mysterious middle-aged man who said he had something very important to tell them.

Later that day they met 59-year-old Norman Steele at a cafe, where he revealed that he was their father and that this made them half-brothers.

The Daily Mail said: “I thought I was being invited onto The Jeremy Kyle Show which I obviously hate as it shows just how broken Britain really is.”

The Guardian said: “I thought it was an invite to go on The Jeremy Kyle Show too. Which I would have done purely to write an article about it highlighting the horrors of Tory Britain.

“I can’t believe that me and that immigrant hating, civil partnership shunning, crack smoking fascist are related.”

The Daily Mail said: “I can’t believe that me and that immigrant welcoming, civil partnership having, crack smoking hippy are related.”

Norman Steele said: “Listen, you are both dickheads and I think I was right not to stick around for either of your childhoods.”