New MP for Stoke-on-Trent realises she has to live there

THE new Conservative MP for Stoke-on-Trent Central has just shuddered with horror on realising she now has to live there. 

Jo Gideon, formerly a councillor in Ashford, Kent, spent yesterday celebrating her win before sitting bolt upright at 4am, hit by the horrifying realisation she now has to at least pretend to live in the Potteries.

She said: “My mind was racing. I went back over the last 24 hours, convinced I’d missed some kind of loophole. But no.

“I’ll have to buy a house there, which isn’t even a good investment, and I’ll have to actually visit it and sleep there and act like I’m happy about it. What have I done?

“I went on the WhatsApp group and everyone was the same. Lia Nici’s looking on RightMove for Grimsby. Alexander Stafford’s wife says she’ll leave him rather than move to Rother Valley.

“We all wanted to help Boris out and the money’s good, but is it worth the price I’ll have to pay? What if I’m back at home in Kent and they can smell Stoke on me?”

She added: “Andrea Leadsom said ‘Just live in the nice bit.’ She hasn’t seen it. That’s not an option open to anyone.”

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Alright, we'll get over it, say Remainers

REMAINERS have announced that, three-and-a-half years after the referendum, they are to get over it. 

Following yesterday’s landslide election win, Remainers across Britain have admitted there is a strong chance that the country did want to leave the EU after all.

Nathan Muir of of Reading said: “You know what? Maybe it’s time I moved on.

“There was just something about the referendum result I didn’t like – maybe it was that my side lost – so I decided it must be wrong, and must be reversed, and did everything I could to achieve that.

“But I have to admit it’s looking very much like my efforts were wasted, and Brexit is happening, and perhaps it’s time to be the bigger man and accept it.

“Brexit it is. Brexit for everyone. Fine. Doesn’t bother me.”