Nigel Farage's guide to voting UKIP

GOOD morning and congratulations on making the best decision of your life – you’re going to vote UKIP.

But how exactly do you do that? Is it true that UKIP are so outside the political system that you can register your vote by making a deliciously politically incorrect remark in a public place?

Sadly not, though don’t let that stop you. Just follow the steps below:

Head out to your local polling station, but be wary. Primary schools are hotbeds of trendy liberal Marxism, and that wall display could be multicultural propaganda.

Dress smartly to act as an ambassador for your party. Men should wear a blazer, tie and biscuit-coloured trousers. Women should be well-groomed and not vote.

Do not be tempted by false UKIPs like an Independence in Europe, No2EU and the English Democrats. They are serpents sent to sway you from the path of righteousness.

Make your cross in the box next to your local UKIP candidate’s name. Don’t worry if you don’t recognise it – he’ll soon be on the TV news for saying things about gays.

Don’t add another four lines to your cross to make a cheeky little swastika. This counts as spoiling your ballot and is a major reason why right-wing parties underperform in elections.

Finally, enjoy yourself! Take your time, drink in the surroundings and savour the moment. After all, you’re never going to vote UKIP again.

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Van Gaal promises to end 13 months of hurt

LOUIS van Gaal has vowed to end the cup drought that has seen many fans desert Manchester United. 

The club was once a frequent renter of open top buses, but supporters now have to ask their parents what it was like back in April 2013 when it last secured a title.

Fan Wayne Hayes said: “You watch old footage from two or three years ago and wonder whether things will ever be that good again.

“I’ve never experienced what it’s like to win something since I started supporting them in December.

“I know things were very different in his day but if Alex Ferguson could see what we’ve become now he’d turn in his grave.”

Van Gaal has acknowledged the size of his task to rebuild a squad that contains just 25 of the players that helped win the league back in April 2013.

He said: “People think I’m crazy but I think we can win the league next season, if Rafael, Jones, Evans, Smalling, Carrick, Nani, Young, Cleverley, Fletcher, Valencia and Buttner can be replaced.”