HOUSE of Commons Speaker Michael Martin made a statement on the arrest of Tory MP Damien Green yesterday, but no-one is entirely sure what he said.
The Speaker, a Glaswegian, addressed a bemused Commons chamber for 20 minutes, before pointing at the Conservative front bench and shouting: "ya fuckin' bawbags!"
Mr Martin told MPs: "Ahwuz like that, 'naw man, ye cannae dae that ya pure fuckin' bammer, byraway'.
"And the polis were aw like, 'you fuckin' shut it ya prick'. And am like, 'mone ya total fannies, geez a brek'."
Mr Martin added: "Anyways, it wuz aw that wee lassie wi' the tights, so it wuz.
"She's like 'aye, go oan' and am like 'naw man, at's no right, ye cannae just fuckin' barrel in here and start geein' everybody shite'n'at, naw?'"
Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: "I think I caught something about a television unit that he had bought from Ikea. It seems it's fallen apart but he can't find the receipt. Does that sound about right?"
But Lib Dem treasury spokesman Vince Cable said: "No, no, he was complaining about something he had seen on television. I'm sure I heard him say 'Emmerdale', but it sounded more like 'Ammardowel' with a very strong 'r' right at the back of the throat."
A spokesman for Mr Martin said the speaker would appoint a seven member committee to investigate his role in the Green affair made up of Jimmy, Boab, Stevie, Mental Micky, Franky Boy, Wee Davie from Pollock and Sheherazade Goldsmith.
Shadow Leader of the House Theresa May added: "It has been suggested that the Conservative Party and some members of the press have a vendetta against the Speaker because of his working-class Glasgow origins. It's simply not true. It's because he is obviously completely bloody useless."