No-One Entirely Sure What Speaker Said

HOUSE of Commons Speaker Michael Martin made a statement on the arrest of Tory MP Damien Green yesterday, but no-one is entirely sure what he said.

The Speaker, a Glaswegian, addressed a bemused Commons chamber for 20 minutes, before pointing at the Conservative front bench and shouting: "ya fuckin' bawbags!"

Mr Martin told MPs: "Ahwuz like that, 'naw man, ye cannae dae that ya pure fuckin' bammer, byraway'.

"And the polis were aw like, 'you fuckin' shut it ya prick'. And am like, 'mone ya total fannies, geez a brek'."

Mr Martin added: "Anyways, it wuz aw that wee lassie wi' the tights, so it wuz.

"She's like 'aye, go oan' and am like 'naw man, at's no right, ye cannae just fuckin' barrel in here and start geein' everybody shite'n'at, naw?'"

Tory backbencher Denys Finch-Hatton said: "I think I caught something about a television unit that he had bought from Ikea. It seems it's fallen apart but he can't find the receipt. Does that sound about right?"

But Lib Dem treasury spokesman Vince Cable said: "No, no, he was complaining about something he had seen on television. I'm sure I heard him say 'Emmerdale', but it sounded more like 'Ammardowel' with a very strong 'r' right at the back of the throat."

A spokesman for Mr Martin said the speaker would appoint a seven member committee to investigate his role in the Green affair made up of Jimmy, Boab, Stevie, Mental Micky, Franky Boy, Wee Davie from Pollock and Sheherazade Goldsmith.

Shadow Leader of the House Theresa May added: "It has been suggested that the Conservative Party and some members of the press have a vendetta against the Speaker because of his working-class Glasgow origins. It's simply not true. It's because he is obviously completely bloody useless."

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Benefit Cheats Very Good At Lying, Warn Experts

BENEFIT cheats are accomplished liars who would relish the challenge of a polygraph test, experts warned last night.

As the government outlined plans to use lie detectors to catch illegal welfare claimants, psychologists said a new breed of heroes was about to emerge in Britain's rundown housing estates.

Dr Wayne Hayes, of Reading University, said: "I have no doubt that by end of next year there will be 'Trump' cards listing number of tests completed, illegal money accumulated and of course 'best ever lie'.

"They spend a great deal of time constructing their lies, co-ordinating them and then embellishing them with the most wonderfully authentic details.

"I sometimes think it must be a bit like watching Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel."

He added: "Of course they also spend a huge amount of time lying to each other. Partly because it helps them to hone their skills, but also because they're sleeping with each other's horribly tattooed baby-mothers."

A government spokesman said: "The lie detectors will be state-of-the-art, but just to make absolutely sure we will be testing each of them using Jacqui Smith."