Nobody pays for our holidays except Theresa May, says DUP

THE Democratic Unionist MP accused of taking £100k holidays in Sri Lanka has insisted that the only person paying for his jollies is Theresa May. 

Ian Paisley Jr, MP for North Antrim, said that if he were to have two all-expenses-paid luxury holidays, he has been told to send the bill direct to Downing Street.

He added: “I don’t actually have holidays because I’m not a lazy Roman Catholic. I go on ‘fact-finding missions’ where God is always watching me to make sure I am working as hard as possible for decent Christian values.

“But if I did, I could go anywhere I wanted. I’d just walk into a five star hotel and say ‘Charge it to May’.

“New York, Paris, Sydney. Any of those fancy places. Though I wouldn’t because they all have a disgustingly high percentage of homosexuals.

“Meanwhile, I’m running tabs in every bar in Belfast, we all are. I stopped paying my mortgage last month – just cancelled the direct debit – and I’ve got the same fiver in my pocket I had in June because I don’t do cash anymore.”

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Junior doctor accompanied by 12 medical students tells patient to 'relax'

A PATIENT surrounded by a junior doctor and a crowd of eager young medical students has been told to ‘just relax’.

Tom Logan, who has a hernia ‘very close’ to his genitals, has been assured by 27 -year-old Dr Nathan Muir that ‘there is nothing to be embarrassed about’ while the 12 students stare intently at his exposed groin.

Dr Muir told Logan: “Don’t worry about them, they all got excellent A-level results so they’re really good people. But if it helps, just pretend they’re not here. And as we always say, ‘if you want privacy, you’ve come to the wrong health service’.

“Now, let’s take a look at the affected area. Ooh. Christ almighty, that’s a nasty one. Is it really sore? Everyone, come in a bit closer and get a proper look at this beauty.”

Medical student Eleanor Shaw said: “These notes are just meaningless scribble. I’m basically doing everything I can not to laugh out loud at this poor bastard.

“It’s fine though because we’ll be discussing it loudly in the pub tonight in a way that will make you think the health secretary might not be a total prick after all.

“Okay, maybe not that bad, but not far off.”