Nostalgic nation looks back on nine great years under the Tories

BRITAIN is today remembering all the cool things that have happened under Tory rule since 2010. 

Every voter is running a highlight reel of the amazing events through their heads, from tuition fees to the dementia tax.

Nathan Muir of Croydon said: “Remember first thing they did when they came in? Put VAT up. Classic Tories.

“And then there were the riots, that was a blast from the past. Very retro, like the social unrest equivalent of eating a Wagon Wheel.”

Helen Archer of Bromsgrove agreed: “The cuts have been good. NHS, Army, schools, councils. Probably the police cuts are my favourites though.

“Then there’s Brexit and the slick, professional way they handled that.

“They should call these the Diamond Years or something because of how blissfully untroubled they’ve been.

“Hopefully there’s a nostalgic clips programme on Channel 4 tonight called something like ‘Top Ten Tory Moments’, with Stuart Maconie and some bloggers.

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Man with broken toaster resigns himself to starvation

A MAN whose toaster has broken has admitted that he now has no idea what to base meals around. 

Tom Logan, aged 29, has been making food for himself since leaving home a decade ago but did not realise until now that everything began with cooked bread.

He said: “What else can you do with food if you don’t put it on toast? I can’t just put it on naked porcelain. That’s just wrong. Like getting into bed with no sheet on the mattress.

“Cheese, eggs, beans, salad cream, bacon: they’re all toast-based. The only other thing I can think of is Sunday roast, and that has to be cooked by a professional in a pub. People can’t do that at home.

“So basically I’m screwed. I’ll just have to starve, like people did before toasters were invented.”

He added: “Make toast in the microwave? No. No, I think it would be better to die.”