Nothing must stop Article 50 being triggered on arbitrary date I’ve made up, says May

THE prime minister has confirmed that Article 50 must be triggered on March 15th because it is written on her kitchen calendar in pen.

Both houses of parliament have been told there is no time for amendments to the Article 50 bill before the deadline which must be met because it is the deadline.

May said: “Article 50 must be triggered on a date I chose entirely at random, because otherwise it would be late.

“Consequently we’re unable to consider the amendments suggested by the Lords because we’ve got less than a fortnight left. Sorry. As you can see it’s out of my hands.

“There is no way we can delay it because that would mean changing the date on which Article 50 is triggered, which as discussed is March 15th.”

She added: “So if you could just pass the legislation as is and then everything will proceed on schedule. Thanks. No further questions.”

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Dear Holly: 'Why does no-one realise the nightmare it is to be me?' yours, Piers Morgan

Dear Holly,
It’s becoming more and more of a struggle to look at my own big smug face staring back at me in the mirror everyday; hearing the constant drone of my self-serving, obsequious opinions; sharing an eternal space with my hellish, egotistical presence. Why does no-one realise the nightmare it is to be me?
Piers Morgan
Far Inside Donald Trump’s colonic tract

Dear Piers,
Why don’t you make yourself feel loads better by going to the cinema? You can buy a bag of pick n mix for £7.99 and a cup of Pepsi bigger than your own head and go and sit in the dark and scoff it all until you start hallucinating. Make sure you  get tickets for something like Trolls so by the time Justin Timberlake starts singing about sunshine you are totally off your box with glucose-induced joy.
Hope that helps,