Man not sure if book is good enough to go in toilet

A MAN is unsure if the humorous travel book he has just read is of a high enough standard to qualify as lavatory reading. 

Nathan Muir has applied criteria including laughs per page, dippability, and a wipe-clean cover, but is still unable to decide whether it would be a worthy addition to his compact library.

He said: “It’s good, but is it toilet good?

“Not every book can stand up to the repeated readings. Lord of the Rings couldn’t do it. War and Peace can fuck off.

“It wouldn’t just be competing with a complete set of Far Sides. There’s Clarkson, there’s the Pointless History Of The World, there’s both volumes of Peter Kay’s memoirs and there’s a Jack Reacher for long visits.

“I don’t know why I’m going to and fro like this. There’s only one way to find out; put her in there and give her a road test. Good luck everyone.”

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New bar to call itself 'Pretentious Shithole' and be done with it

A NEW bar will be called ‘Pretentious Shithole’ after the owners realised that is what most people will call it anyway.

The new ‘Pretentious Shithole’ will be opening this weekend in Stevenage with a vast array of stupidly expensive cocktails that will be served out of a tiny blue bucket.

Bar manager, Tom Logan, said: “Our aim is for this to be the most pretentious, twat-filled shithole around so we thought we would just go all out and put it on the front door.

“Our original name was ‘What? That Fucking Shithole’, but we thought that was a bit too meta, so we’re going more mainstream.”

He added: “And by the way, instead of male and female symbols on the toilet doors, we’ll be using colourful medical diagrams of the male and female genitalia.

“We dare you to not hate our guts.”