Sleaford Mods overthrow government

SLEAFORD Mods have taken charge of Britain after staging a coup against the government.

The Nottingham double act stormed Whitehall armed with loud rants about the current state of affairs and successfully removed Theresa May’s government in less than eight minutes.

Singer Jason Williamson said: “We’re glad we managed to do it non-violently.

“But that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have smashed some heads in if we had to.

“I was actually looking forward to slapping Michael Portillo, but sadly he’s not there anymore.”

Williamson added: “So how the fuck does this work?”

Buckingham Palace confirmed the Queen has recognised the new Sleaford Mods government, but also understands if they could not give a shit about her opinion on anything.

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Them foreigners is a right bunch, say Conservatives

ALL them foreign buggers is coming over here and having a bit of how’s your father with our lovely poppets, according to the Conservative Party.

Senior Tories said all this immigration was terrible and that you ‘couldn’t get a flippin’ seat on the bus because it’s full of Bulgarian fruit pickers’.

A spokesman said: “I remember when you could go to the pictures and see a nice film starring Kenneth More and that lovely Jean Simmonds. There was a proper lady. Now it’s all ‘bang, bang, bang’. And the music? Cor, what a racket.

“I had one of them Polish fellas round my house. I says, ‘Oi, Ivan can’t you speak no English, eh? Can’t even say please or thank you?’

“It’s a disgrace is what it is. Lucky for him he did such a magnificent job on my downstairs loo or he’d have got my boot up his thievin’ backside.”

Former party chairman Lord Tebbit added: “I told my grandson he should get himself a job pickin’ fruit. ‘Put some money in your pocket’, I says, ‘take that nice young girl of yours to the seaside for the day’.

“I says to him, ‘if you don’t, it’ll be all them Bulgars pickin’ that fruit and takin’ your girl to the seaside and doin’ dirty Bulgarian things to her up the back of the Co-op’.”