Now we can tell poor people to collect bottles, says Gove

THE UK is to introduce a bottle deposit scheme so when poor people moan they can be told to go out and collect them, the government has announced. 

The scheme, which will add a suggested deposit of 22p to all plastic bottles and aluminum cans, will help both the environment and anyone seeking to blame poverty on those in poverty. 

Gove said: “Zero-hours contract? Benefits sanctioned? Crippling disabilities? If they don’t go out collecting bottles, they’re just lazy. 

“This scheme plays a dual role for middle-class worriers; first, by making them feel like they’re doing something about the environment and second, by making them feel they’re doing something about income inequality. 

“There’s no need to feel guilty about that homeless man when you chucked an empty Evian bottle out of your Prius on the A584 two weeks ago. If he had any gumption, he’d go find it. 

“We can clean up the Great Pacific garbage patch and your troubled conscience at the same time, and all at no cost to you because you don’t drink Coke or beer. You drink wine.” 

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Why I wish I'd invented Friends Reunited instead

By Mark Zuckerberg

HELPING people have pathetic affairs with old school friends would have been a lot less hassle than undermining Western democracy.

It all started out so well. I was just your average super entitled Harvard-educated nerd who created a fun way for people to be narcissistic dicks and reconnect with people they’d last seen when they weren’t overweight and bitter.

I should have stopped there, like Friends Reunited did, at the point of enabling people trapped in boring marriages to ruin their lives thanks to an ill-considered meet up with Gavin who they once snogged in a bus shelter.

But once I’d started wrecking relationships, I wanted to wreck everything. I was crushing the global population’s mental health by turning them into dopamine-driven monkeys addicted to people liking pictures of eggs. I was drunk on power.

‘What else can I fuck up for kicks?’ I pondered. This was the moment I decided to mess with society by harvesting data and manipulating elections in return for money. It was a game. Kind of like Farmville, but not so soul-crushingly shit.

But now everyone hates me because I’ve fucked over the entire world. That didn’t happen to the Friends Reunited guys.

I wish I was them.