Now we can tell poor people to collect bottles, says Gove

THE UK is to introduce a bottle deposit scheme so when poor people moan they can be told to go out and collect them, the government has announced. 

The scheme, which will add a suggested deposit of 22p to all plastic bottles and aluminum cans, will help both the environment and anyone seeking to blame poverty on those in poverty. 

Gove said: “Zero-hours contract? Benefits sanctioned? Crippling disabilities? If they don’t go out collecting bottles, they’re just lazy. 

“This scheme plays a dual role for middle-class worriers; first, by making them feel like they’re doing something about the environment and second, by making them feel they’re doing something about income inequality. 

“There’s no need to feel guilty about that homeless man when you chucked an empty Evian bottle out of your Prius on the A584 two weeks ago. If he had any gumption, he’d go find it. 

“We can clean up the Great Pacific garbage patch and your troubled conscience at the same time, and all at no cost to you because you don’t drink Coke or beer. You drink wine.”