NEW UKIP leader Paul Nuttall has pledged to be a forgettable minor player in the overall history of British politics.
Nuttall made the promise at a party conference in the back room of a pub, where there was also a buffet of poor quality triangular sandwiches.
He said” “I promise to be unmemorable, underwhelming and totally pointless in the grand scheme of things.
“I’ll also probably be forced out of my current position soon, maybe within a fortnight, because UKIP is bitchier than a group of teenage girls on the back seat of a school bus.
“After which, if you google my name it’ll say ‘Showing results for Nutella’. Then you will forget why you googled me.”
Nuttall then ended his speech by praising the films of Mel Gibson before adding he planned to ‘put the Dead Good back into Dead Good Britain’.
UKIP voter Julian Cook said: “He really is the perfect captain for this surely sinking ship.”