Osborne to reconsider being torn to shreds

CHANCELLOR George Osborne will rethink an April fuel price rise after acknowledging its effects on his ability to live.

Some campaigners want to spend their last £80 filling Mr Osborne with petrol until it's coming out of his ears

His advisers presented him with research detailing the anticipated revenue gained from a 1p per litre rise as well as the number of trees bits of him would be scattered amongst.

Osborne said: “I’m beginning to think a fuel hike would be like holding up a bank then applying for an overdraft.

“There’s certain sections of the electorate you want to avoid pissing off and the lorry-driving section that tends to provide a disproportionate number of the country’s murder suspects is one of them.”

A spokesman for Unite said: “We appreciate these are difficult times and changes in government revenue streams have to be looked at but the old joke about a full tank of petrol doubling the value of a Skoda is now true for Audis.

“It’s the chancellor’s job to make difficult decisions but he must acknowledge how much more difficult it would be while stuffed into a piece of rolled-up carpet in a lay-by.”

Osborne will now look at other solutions ahead of the March budget including a massive tax increase on disgusting sex toys and monkey porn, as people are unlikely to protest about how much it is going to cost them per year.

He added: “My only concern is that such a move would be massively unpopular with Conservative backbenchers.”