Osborne's words obscured by desire to punch him in face

GEORGE Osborne has said some things but you are more interested in what it would feel like to belt him, it has emerged.

The chancellor has unveiled a raft of taxes on things, various cuts to other things and some spending on something or other, none of which seemed as relevant as his evil little face.

31-year-old carpet fitter Martin Bishop said: “I think he said something about fags, but I’m not sure because I was imagining him stumbling into me in the pub and then making a sarcastic comment about my hat so that I have a legitimate reason to hit him in the face.

“And then I hit him in the face.”

Broadband installer Julian Cook agreed: “I would never clout anyone without provocation but with Osborne I would only need a very small amount of provocation.

“Did he just mention something about pensions? Sorry, I was trying my best to concentrate.”

He added: “Look at his fucking hair.”


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Last three years retroactively classified as good times that are now over

THE past three years have been a decadent boom era that must now end, the chancellor has declared.

George Osborne said that the 2013-2016 ‘Era of Plenty’, which according to official records being amended today began on April 16th 2013, are over because of our own greed. 

He continued: “We have all spent the last three years dressed in designer labels, gorging in Michelin-starred restaurants, splashing out thousands on high-end electronic goods we didn’t even know how to use. 

“It was like The Great Gatsby. But that’s all gone now. Wages are going down, inflation’s going right up, and God help you if you squandered your opportunity to buy a house. 

“Still, we all enjoyed ourselves, didn’t we? We’ll always have those memories.”

Helen Archer of Coventry said: “I wish I’d known at the time these were the good years, then I would’ve bought a new Mini instead of a 12-year-old Micra with a fucked gearbox. 

“I did go large on a Big Mac meal in 2014, so I suppose that counts.”