Piss off you old ratbag it's my go, says Boris

BORIS Johnson has decided he may as well just tell the prime minister to piss off.

After calling Theresa May’s customs union plans “crazy”, Johnson is now being less subtle about undermining her so he can fulfill his ambition of being an equally shit PM.

The foreign secretary said: “I’m not pretending to care about Brexit anymore because I don’t give a toss about it. I just want the useless old slag gone for the sake of my career.

“Theresa needs to pack her ridiculous shoes and sci-fi outfits and move out of Downing Street pronto. My considered message to the prime minister is this – fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.

“I’m the next Churchill. I need to be PM so I can go down in the history books. Hopefully there’ll be another Hitler and a massive war.”

Johnson’s comments caused ructions in the party, with his supporters praising his honesty, while MPs loyal to May argued she was “shit but not 100 per cent shit”.

Tory MP Norman Steele said: “Boris was wrong to tell the prime minister to piss off. He should have stabbed her in the back while she was on holiday or in hospital.”

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I would definitely spend this free ten grand on sensible shit, says 24-year-old

A 24-YEAR-OLD has applauded a new plan to give her £10,000 and promised not to waste it on drugs, holidays, and drugs on holiday. 

Helen Archer of Manchester greeted a report on inter-generational fairness which suggested that 25-year-olds get a £10k windfall by swearing she would definitely buy a mortgage or whatever. 

She said: “Stimulating the economy is the responsible thing to do, right? Even if it is technically the black economy. It all trickles down. 

“Using it to pay off debts, well, I’d like to. Ideally that’d be what I’d do. But that’s doing nothing for the UK’s struggling high street where I’ve seen these boots I like. 

“Buying a house just locks that money up, so that’s selfish. A car? That’s pollution and killing the earth. What else do old people like? Gardening equipment? 

“These tabs on my browser open at full moon beach parties in Goa? That’s, ah, research. Anyway, do I get the money now or what?”

68-year-old Bill McKay said: “They can’t take my savings and give them to feckless youth. I need this money for Brexit.”