Please stay while we savour your humiliation, Britain tells May

THE UK has ordered Theresa May to remain in position for a few weeks so it can relish her humiliation. 

The prime minister, whose 2017 election gambit is expected to replace the Titanic as a popular metaphor for hubris, has been told to stick around so we can see the pain in her eyes.

Voter Julian Cook, from Canterbury, said: “She’s not allowed to resign. Not until I’ve drunk my fill.

“She still has to do all her normal jobs but just with that beautifully broken body language. Maybe a tremor in her voice and a bit of a shuffly walk.

“There has to be at least one big address to the nation where she says ‘strong and stable’ and then flinches in self-inflicted pain, all arrogance turned to ashes.”

Jane Thomson, from Stevenage, added: “Just imagine her in those Europe meetings, with the self-loathing smile of a sacked headteacher forced to return to the school as supply the very next term.

“I’m going to love this. She could do the full five years for me.”

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Everyone on your social media in agreement

EVERYONE on your social media accounts agrees that it will be a Tory landslide or a shock Labour victory, depending on who you are. 

Your friends, or followers if you are tweeting and liberal, are united in believing that everyone will vote either Labour, Conservative or Lib Dem in certain marginals, meaning this one is already sewn up. 

Joanna Kramer of Ashburton said: “I was expecting some dissent, but no. 

“That’s a completely random cross-section of society who I’ve met and liked from up and down the country. 

“I suppose there’s a statistically insignificant number I’ve unfollowed, or who’ve unfollowed me, for reasons of philosophical difference.

“But I’m sure they’ve changed and now they agree with us. Because we are right.”

She added: “And every second tweet is exhorting people to vote, so I’m estimating turnout at close to 100 per cent.”