Politics not a game, says man cosplaying as Edwardian slumlord

A MAN who dresses as an Edwardian grandee in an outpost of the Empire has told Unicef to stop playing at politics.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, who since childhood has awoken in a four-poster bed, urinated in a chamber pot and dressed as Bonar Law, castigated the international charity for naively believing starving children should be fed. 

Rees-Mogg, who named his child Sextus, said: “The government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is not a joke. Why would you think we were? 

“Those children need to be hungry if they’re to toil in my Lambeth boot-blacking factory post-Brexit. And plump ones will simply get stuck in the machinery in cotton mills.

“Aid? To the British Empire? Does Unicef not realise we are the heart of a mighty free-trade Commonwealth stretching from Land’s End to John O’Groats?

“A Scotsman seized the parliamentary mace in the Palace of Westminster the other day. He was banished for it. That’s how serious politics is in these isles.” 

The prime minister was unable to comment on the row, due to being too busy playing at having talks with the EU. 

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Daily Mail readers not happy until Meghan is working in Primark

UNTIL Meghan Markle is flogging cut-price clothes on a minimum wage Daily Mail readers are not going to be satisfied.     

Fairly uninteresting plans by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex to do a podcast and sign a Netflix deal have made Mail readers psychotically angry yet again.

Donna Sheridan said: “I can’t believe the cheek of them trying to make money to live off instead of relying on the taxpayer like proper royals.

“I’d like to see Meghan doing shifts in Primark for a pittance. She should be endlessly picking t-shirts off the floor with dozens of morons staring at her and laughing. That or scrubbing toilets.

“I’m not bothered about other celebs like Gwyneth Paltrow making money in weird ways. It’s just that Meghan. There’s something about her that annoys me. I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

Fellow Mail reader Norman Steele said: “If they were that desperate for cash Harry would be flogging his crowns on Ebay and she’d get herself on that Only Fans.  

“Personally I think they made their choice so it’s only right they should be on the streets begging for scraps of food and selling their bodies for sex.”