Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Politics not a game, says man cosplaying as Edwardian slumlord

A MAN who dresses as an Edwardian grandee in an outpost of the Empire has told Unicef to stop playing at politics.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, who since childhood has awoken in a four-poster bed, urinated in a chamber pot and dressed as Bonar Law, castigated the international charity for naively believing starving children should be fed. 

Rees-Mogg, who named his child Sextus, said: “The government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is not a joke. Why would you think we were? 

“Those children need to be hungry if they’re to toil in my Lambeth boot-blacking factory post-Brexit. And plump ones will simply get stuck in the machinery in cotton mills.

“Aid? To the British Empire? Does Unicef not realise we are the heart of a mighty free-trade Commonwealth stretching from Land’s End to John O’Groats?

“A Scotsman seized the parliamentary mace in the Palace of Westminster the other day. He was banished for it. That’s how serious politics is in these isles.” 

The prime minister was unable to comment on the row, due to being too busy playing at having talks with the EU.