Public school ponce acts pretty ballsy

DAVID Cameron showed an unexpected level of front by calling out 200,000 heavily-armed killers yesterday.

In a speech many predict may be his last, the prime minister suggested that the armed forces stopped whining like a bitch and get back to work.

He then said he was going to do his best soldier impression before running up and down the podium flapping his arms and making clucking noises.

Cameron said: “I suggest the armed forces do the ‘being shot at by an entire country’s-worth of lunatics’ and I’ll do the ‘having a nice lunch at Claridges and making up policies that nobody wants’.”

The speech came after generals criticised the government’s latest plan to have a military presence in every country in the world just in case anything kicks off.

This has resulted in a rented Nissan Micra filled with an officer from the army, navy and air force sitting in airport car parks across the globe with the engine running at all times.

Air Marshall Sir Denys Finch-Hatton said: “If Mr Cameron thinks we’re being squeamish he can have a bit of a chat with my driver, Tom, who has served in Northern Ireland, Afghanistan, Iraq and can disembowel a man with his toothbrush in under four seconds.

“At that point it would then be helpful if the prime minister was able to clarify exactly who is the bitch now, bitch?”


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Heartwarming animal friendship turns physical

AN unlikely bond between an injured chick and an orang-utan has evolved into a sexual relationship, it emerged last night.

Visitors to London Zoo watched in amazement last month as four-year-old ape Maxwell delicately cradled a tiny baby coot, since named Blossom, after the abandoned chick tumbled into his enclosure. 

Zookeeper Tom Logan said: “Orang-utans are powerful animals and can be aggressively territorial. So seeing Maxwell cup the limp, shivering bird in his broad hand and offer it a piece of dried fruit was a truly special moment.

“The pair, both orphans, soon became inseparable. Their odd yet affectionate companionship appeared to be proof that animals possess all the qualities we as humans cherish.

However, last week the two creatures were discovered frantically stimulating each others’ genitals in a bush.

Logan said: “Their relationship has developed in a new and somewhat disconcerting way. Certainly their activities have prompted some awkward questions from school parties.

“On the positive side, the attraction appears to be mutual. It’s not like Maxwell is upsetting Blossom. Blossom is very evidently keen.

“Anyway their lovemaking is tender, or certainly as tender as possible given the tremendous size difference. So we’ve let them get on with it. It’s just slightly less heartwarming than before.” 

Inter-species sexual relationships are rare but not unheard of. In 1993 a cat was filmed wanking off a mouse in a Berlin suburb.