Queen rocks up in comfies for scaled-back speech

HER Majesty The Queen will open Parliament today wearing joggers and a hoodie in line with Covid restrictions, it has been confirmed.

The ceremonial occasion has been scaled down because of the pandemic with only 108 attendees, mandatory facemasks, and instead of a horse-drawn carriage the monarch will be driven to Westminster by her eldest in his Fiat Punto.

She said: “I have a duty to reflect the lives of my subjects. During the war, I was a mechanic in the ATS. And during the pandemic, I shall be attired in grey stretch pants with my hair in a scrunchie.

“These Primark bottoms with the loose waist have been chosen specifically because they can be slipped into in seconds. And this hoodie, which Anne got from a fun run she did in the 80s, goes really well with the Yankees cap Harry left here.

“To get all dolled up for the occasion would be to undermine the sacrifices made by the British people in the last year. Wearing the same outfit I wore while binge-watching Schitt’s Creek is my tribute to their indefatigability.”

She added: “I will, of course, still have the Imperial State Crown, worth an estimated £40 million, by my side as tradition dictates. But it’ll be in an Aldi bag.”

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Chris Martin's guide to who you are without Wembley Stadium shouting 'you're awesome'

HEY, Britain’s top pop public schoolboy Chris Martin here. It’s been a tough year for me not having my ego ridiculously validated. Here’s how I’ve coped. 

Blend in

This last year hasn’t been about global megastars who can sell out Seoul Olympic Stadium two nights running. It’s been about the unsung heroes. So when I’m unobtrusively mingling in my Mylo Xyloto stage outfit, I don’t let them remain unsung. I leap on a table and belt out Yellow, and all the applause I receive is for them. 

Be humble

You know what? I’m not a rocket scientist. I’m just a guy in a band that’s sold 100 million records. So for our new single I chose to honour real pioneers by playing it live to the International Space Station. You could do something similar, like phoning the bloke at the 24-hour garage and knocking away at a glockenspiel. 

Keep grounded

Remember that album cycle where I went on about Fair Trade and Guatemalan coffee, or something? Well, I walked that walk, bought a plantation, wrote it off against tax, and it’s making more profit than ever. If you want to do the same, perhaps grow herbs in a window box. Sorry, I tried to not make that sound pathetic but it just does. 

Compare yourself to Jesus, but unfavourably

Not everyon can say their album release prevented a Sony sharecrash, but I can. So, like Jesus, without me there would be no Christmas for a lot of little kiddies. Though he could heal the sick, do resurrections, walk on water and turn it into wine, so he just wins.

Reflect on your blessings

Sometimes when we focus on what we don’t have we forget that losses can be gains. You might have lost your job but gained a whole load of free time and a new career as a barely-breaking-even Hermes driver. Me? I lost a wife who sells fanny-scented wallpaper and whose idea of a mad, hedonistic breakdown is a quinoa cocktail and a slice of Hovis. 

Share moments

One time I met Bill Gates and told him Clocks should be the Windows opening theme. He hadn’t heard it. I played it for him on half-drunk wheatgrass smoothie glasses. He said he’d never heard of me and it was too long. I was so humilated but I let it become a learning moment. And during that brunch I wrote Fix You or whatever.