Rees-Mogg 'alarmed and aroused' by EU 'punishment'

JACOB Rees-Mogg has admitted to being alarmed and quite turned on by the thought of EU punishment.

The Tory MP said: “The threat was made in a leaked document. Even the word ‘leaked’ was enough to get my motor running.

“Then they started talking about the power to restrict access to the single market and punishment during the transition period. I’ll be honest, all I heard was ‘power’ and ‘punishment’ and I had to go to the lavatory to be alone with my sinful thoughts.

“The EU is clearly trying to dominate us, which is obviously unacceptable, but also deeply arousing.

“To be honest, I think that’s why I haven’t made any great efforts to topple May. All that talk of taking back control and crushing saboteurs…

“You’ll have to excuse me for a minute, I’ve been such a bad saboteur.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'The Suffragettes were proper women, not like these mouthy tarts today'

By Roy Hobbs, Daily Mail reader and ‘proper feminist’

YESTERDAY we celebrated one hundred years since women got the right to vote. But to my eyes there is little to celebrate. 

Because, a century after those proud, courageous but always ladylike campaigners gracefully won their cause, today’s women are raucous, disrespectful and often downright rude.

The Suffragettes didn’t make a show of themselves, unlike these gold-digging sluts in the #MeToo movement. They didn’t disrupt or ruin events the nation enjoys. They didn’t abandon their children for their ‘careers’.

Women back then had the wisdom to know that shrieking like a bunch of hysterical harridans would not get them what they wanted.

Instead, led by the redoubtable Mrs Winifred Banks of Cherry Tree Lane, they protested peacefully with delightful hand-made VOTES FOR WOMEN signs until their decorum changed the minds of Parliament, and indeed the whole country.

How unlike today’s tarts, drunk on Bacardi Breezers and demanding equal pay when they are so self-evidently less than equal. Flaunting their whoredom in tight leggings then having the cheek to claim they are treated as sex objects.

I know, from reading the Daily Mail, that real women don’t get their way by screeching and smashing windows. Real women get their way by using their feminine wiles to manipulate their menfolk into doing the right thing – and even thinking it was their idea!

And that, for me, is the lesson that women of today should learn from the Suffragettes.