Report to your local registration centre immediately, warns May

THERESA May has warned all citizens that late registration will not be tolerated.

As the walls of 10 Downing Street were painted black ahead of her arrival on Wednesday, the new prime minister stressed that her records would be up to date or there would be consequences.

May said: “It begins.”

The National Database of Good Citizens is expected to be the world’s largest data capture exercise, as the entire country ensures that every detail about their life, including their innermost hopes and fears, is logged by the government.

Citizen Registration Centres have been set up in police stations, libraries and newly-built concrete huts with a single steel door and no windows across the country to ensure maximum compliance.

People will also be able to automatically register their whereabouts via Twitter, Facebook and May’s most recent invention, Pokemon Go.

May said: “I promise you a better Britain and if it isn’t, I shall know precisely which of you are to blame.”

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Last pro-Brexit politician leaves Britain

THE last politician who supported Britain leaving the EU has left Britain, it was confirmed today. 

Andrea Leadsom, who told voters to take back control, has joined Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Michael Gove in heading for foreign countries that are a bit more politically stable.

Leadsom said: “As a mother, I cannot countenance bringing my children up on an isolated island riven by civil war, a collapsing monetary system and famine.

“We visited this once-proud country to give you the gift of freedom and now, like Michael Landon in Highway to Heaven, we must move on to other lands that need our help.

“The road ahead is long and arduous and only one-third of you will survive. But I shall cherish the fact that you validated my beliefs always, in my heart.

“Do write. Don’t ask for help.”