Salmond Demands Separate Scottish Eurovision Entry

SNP Leader Alex Salmond has provoked the first constitutional crisis of the new parliament by demanding Scotland have its own entry in the Eurovision song contest.

With just two days to go until the competition in Helsinki, Salmond said Scotland had the right to take an equal place alongside the other singing nations of Europe.

The SNP leader. has proposed his deputy Nicola Sturgeon as Scotland's representative insisting she had the full set of attributes required of a Eurovision winner.

"Nicola is a remarkable performer. She can do the Dana, Johnny Logan, misty-eyed sweetheart thing all day long, but I think that Eurovision has moved on.

"It's time for Scotland to jiggle its crotch in the face of European middle-class complacency."

He added: "The best way to do that is to have Nicola Sturgeon strapped into a leather gimp suit and wailing like a banshee."

Sturgeon's entry is likely to be a 'mash-up' of the 1975 Suzi Quatro classic Your Mama Won't Like Me and Scots Wha Hae.

Friends of Sturgeon say she has an "unusual" singing voice and prefers athletic dance routines. "Put it this way, I wouldn't want to be sitting in the first four rows of the Helsinki Arena," said an SNP source.

The SNP deputy leader has an impressive pedigree in showbusiness competitions having won the Bellahouston Suzi Quatro Look-a-Like title five times since 1997.

Gordon Brown accused Salmond of displaying 'fascist tendencies' and said the British entry, Flying the Flag (For you) by Scooch, was 'the best song he had ever heard'.

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Prince Philip 'Delighted' With New Balls

PRINCE Philip has announced that he is 'absolutely thrilled' with his new set of balls.

The Prince received his new balls last week and has been testing them in a series of demanding environments.

"He is very impressed by their performance, particularly on rough terrain and over the jumps," said a Palace spokesman.

Prince Philip is the latest high-profile figure to equip himself with a new set of balls.

In the last 12 months shadow chancellor George Osborne, ITV chairman Michael Grade and Deal or No Deal presenter Noel Edmonds have all gone through expensive ball renewal programmes.

Sting pioneered the procedure in the late 1990s, when it was still regarded as highly controversial.

But he was soon emulated by a string of Hollywood A-listers including Kevin Spacey, Billy Crystal and Sir Anthony Hopkins.

Sport stars followed the trend with golfers Nick Faldo and Colin Montgomerie being fitted for new balls before the 2001 US Masters.

David Beckham has yet to sign up though friends say he is likely to splash out on some new balls when he moves to Los Angeles later his year.

A spokesman for the Prince said he was delighted to have his new balls in time for summer and was hoping for a spell of good weather so he could make the most of them.