Salmond to seek independence for England

ALEX Salmond is to stand for Westminster to fight for English independence from Scotland.

“Shortbread is neither a biscuit nor a cake”

The former SNP leader will contest the seat of Gordon on a radical English separatist programme, pledging to cut all ties with the Scots and construct a new political system in which Scotland is not included.

Salmond said: “For three hundred years, England has suffered under the domineering Scottish yoke.

“The time has come to break free of their tyranny, reassert our national borders, and reclaim the word ‘sassenach’.”

“On behalf of all English citizens, I promise to relieve you of oppressive foreign burdens, like Trainspotting posters and North Sea oil.

“And you can keep Trident, and Prince Philip, and your eye-watering levels of national debt. I mean, we can keep all those things.

“We English people. From England.”

Central to his plans are the repatriation to Edinburgh of any footballers with red hair, a 400-metre wall along the border and a campaign for Roger Moore to replace Sean Connery as the nation’s favourite James Bond.

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Supermarkets are food banks 'if you have agile fingers'

POCKETING things at the supermarket is like going to a really good food bank, it has been claimed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The government isn’t going to do anything about food poverty, but then why should it when Britons can just wear a big coat to Tesco? Or Waitrose if you are more aspirational.

“Those places are massive and literally packed to the rafters with delicious food. You just need nifty fingers, loose-fitting garments and a bold attitude.”

Mother-of-two Mary Fisher said: “Going to a food bank is ok if you like out-of-date Heinz soup. But the old five-finger-discount from the supermarket is much better.

“Right now I’ve got a lobster up my jumper. I told the security guard it was my left breast and he backed away.”