THE government is set to announce its roadmap out of lockdown later today. Here’s a step-by-step guide to regaining your freedom.
MARCH 8th: Schools resume throughout England. Drinking during the day halts. Productivity expected to rise, as is punching the air shouting ‘YES!’
MARCH 29th: Outdoor gatherings of up to six people or two households allowed in public parks, private gardens and the Cairngorms. Social and emotional distancing must continue; the only permitted reaction to a family member’s protracted story of lockdown woe is ‘Hm.’
MAY 6th: Voting in local elections and mayoral elections allowed. Voters are reminded that the new ‘Killer Keir’ variant of Covid-19 is shown to adversely affect anyone with Labour sympathies and to vote accordingly. Also if you do not vote Tory you won’t get your second dose of vaccine.
MAY 17th: Pubs to reopen, but drink is to be served in beer gardens only. Each pint must include a Scotch egg floater and smoking is only permitted indoors. The first drink of any session must, by law, be dedicated to Boris. Drinking during the day resumes, especially in Wetherspoons.
JUNE 26th: Glastonbury will be replaced by a spontaneous celebration of Brexit on every street in Britain, with grateful citizens waving Union Jacks and cheering for six hours continuously. To be shown live on the BBC, with Northern Ireland available on the red button.
AUGUST 2nd: Last year’s much-criticised Eat Out to Help Out scheme is replaced by the Eat Out or Lose Your Citizenship scheme, spearheaded by Priti Patel. Each household in Britain is required to dine at a chain restaurant once per week, by law. Single people must dine twice per week and have a starter.
SEPTEMBER 3rd: Schools close after opening for a single day because of the fourth wave, spread by pubs, cheering for Brexit and the Eat Out scheme. Nobody could have predicted this and nobody is to blame.