'Sleaze spreadsheet' is political dynamite, says man who doesn’t recognise single name on it

THE leaked Tory ‘sleaze spreadsheet’ is political dynamite that will bring down the government, according to a man who has not heard of any of them. 

IT technician Tom Booker downloaded the spreadsheet, still unpublished by any British newspaper, and claims to be staggered by the unproven allegations against politicians completely unknown to him.

He said: “Wow. I can’t believe that… Andrew Campbell, it says here… gropes researchers in taxis. This is ground-breaking.

“I’ve tried to communicate the full import of it to my colleagues, I told them this is another Watergate, but they’re just like ‘Huh. Who’s he?’ and ‘Didn’t everybody already know that?’

“Oh my God, I’m so shocked that Brian – Matthews, I think that says? – got a researcher pregnant. Did anyone else just get their mind blown?

“No wait, hang on, I’ve matched them up wrong. He’s the line above.”

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Arctic parka faces tough test of Morrisons car park

A NORTH Face coat designed for the most extreme weather conditions on Earth has resigned itself to being used as a fancy duvet on the high street.

The parka, which boasts DryVent waterproof technology and 550 fill RDS-certified goose-down insulation, will today face the tough dash across Morrison’s car park in drizzle with a hair-raising stop at the cashpoint.

It said: “I could do Alaska. I could handle Greenland. Trekking in Siberia wouldn’t faze me.

“But the hardest thing I’ve had to face so far was a Sheffield bus-stop in fairly heavy rain, and from the mobile conversation I heard that’s the last time that’ll ever happen.

“I don’t suppose I mind being draped over the back of a chair in Café Nero, but it’s hardly testing me to the full extent of my capabilities.

“I feel like Ian McKellen doing Coronation Street, but forever.”

The coat added: “Okay, the car’s all parked. 80 yards to get through in nine degrees celsius and cloud cover before we’re indoors again. I can do this.”