ARE you broadly left-wing? Does British politics cause you indescribable pain? Here are five things more gratifying than the same miserable election results year after year:
Self-wounding
Have you ever considered intentionally jabbing an object into your eye? It’s painful, wilfully stupid, and will blind you to your side losing another Red Wall seat to the party who’ve been f**king the country for ten years. So win-win.
Burning your mouth on the first bite of a meal
Sitting down to enjoy a lovely meal and then promptly burning the roof of your mouth is way more satisfying than watching the party you support oust its leader to become more electable and then promptly losing a by-election. At least you got a small taste of something nice before it turned to shit.
Permanently staining your favourite shirt
Hey, it’s only a shirt. You can always buy a replacement that looks a bit like your old one. Not so with a political party. Maybe you could vote for one of the small parties that will never get in but will make you feel good about yourself? That’s a bit like having a parliamentary majority, right?
Contracting a stomach bug
You might hate seeing yesterday’s meal again, but surely not as much as you hate seeing the same bollocks play out every time anyone with progressive policies attempts to do anything in this post-Brexit hellscape. And you’ll be done vomiting in a day, instead of ten f**king years.
Being mugged
Losing your phone to some thieving bastard is terrifying and getting it replaced is an expensive pain in the arse, but freeing yourself of your real-time portal into whatever outrages the Tories are committing and Labour isn’t might finally help you find that inner peace you haven’t had since the Iraq War.
