That Schindler was a meddling do-gooder, say Tories

RESCUING child refugees is the sort of sentimental nonsense that belongs in films, senior Tories have confirmed.

As pressure grows on the government to accept 3,000 vulnerable children into the UK, ministers are insisting they are all naughty little tinkers like the Artful Dodger, and should be kept away.

Tory MP Denys Finch-Hatton said:  “Before you know it, the whole country will be overrun by gangs of marauding children.

“I’ve seen this sort of thing at the cinema. Fagin rescued abandoned children and they were a menace to society. Bugsy Malone and his gang were a terrible influence, and the Lost Boys just took advantage of Wendy’s kindness.

“And as for Schindler’s List, that film was about him having to take care of lots of kids that didn’t belong to him, because he meddled in other people’s business.

“Children should be isolated and alone, like when Mr Bumble locked Oliver in a cellar, but the cellar is actually France.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Parents realise child's first birthday party is total waste of time

A CHILD’S first birthday was marked by his parents going out for a meal, they confirmed.

Family friends say Kyle Stephenson was happy with his parent’s decision as there was a babysitter there to dangle a Spongebob toy in front of him and clean his bottom when required.

Kyle’s mum Nikki said: “We wondered what would be the perfect gift for a kid who’s still startled by his own farts and decided it would be tapas.

“A party he’d never remember with other kids we don’t like would have cost about £300, so we were even able to order wine from the middle of the list.”

Kyle’s parents plant to celebrate his second birthday by going to Majorca or Crete while he remains at home with his grandparents.

Nikki added: “You can’t put a price on your child’s happiness, but £10 for a helium balloon with a ‘1’ on it is definitely above that price.”