The circumstances that would force Boris Johnson to resign

BORIS Johnson will not resign if found to have lied to the Queen or about the other thing when as Mayor he gave cash to one of his shags. But what would make him?

Murder

A tourist passing Downing Street snaps a picture of Boris Johnson walking towards a wheelie bin with a corpse over his shoulder. Police interviews establish the prime minister stabbed a special adviser 16 times in a dispute over which Oxford college was better at punting. Refuses to resign on basis he was asking for it.

Sells Queen

Documentation emerges of the prime minister selling the Queen, and all related Royal assets, to the Trump Organization for $780m. Further scandal erupts when it is discovered the money is paid not to Britain but to Johnson personally, as ‘fund manager’. Refuses to resign on basis he was cashing in on a depreciating asset.

Destroys London

A nuclear strike on London is initially blamed on Islamic terrorists before CCTV footage reveals Johnson actually detonated the warhead himself while messing with it. Refuses to resign on basis that city is now primed for a real estate boom, and he’s got rid of loads of immigrants.

Sleeps with every wife in country

A court order is lifted and Johnson is revealed to have had an affair with every married woman in the UK, including, while disguised, his own wife. More than 4,000 babies are due in a Boris Boom. Refuses to resign on basis that he was engaging with grassroot voters.

Starts civil war

Polling is going badly for Johnson so he declares Parliament illegal, makes himself head of the armed forces and unleashes an all-out civil war against anyone who has ever doubted him. Population of UK reduced by 75 per cent, survivors starving subhumans eating lichen off walls. Refuses to resign on basis it’s what Churchill would have done.

Fails to leave EU on October 31st

Resigns immediately.

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The six most loathsome people you'll meet at university

UNIVERSITY is a marvellous place to make friends, learn about the world and experience new things. You will also meet the biggest twats you have ever met in your life. Here they are:

Weed Rip-Off Girl

A low-stakes version of the notorious dealers who give you the first hit free, this girl will arrive with weed, give everyone free tokes for the first week, and then attempt to coast on that for an entire year. Drops out midway through March when unable to find anyone not wise to her bullshit.

Law Lad

One of many wannabe alphas studying law, this individual will make clear he is only doing so in order to earn six figures while still in his 20s. Unfortunately he is already spending as if earning six figures in his 20s, and playing the stock market, and isn’t as good as law as he thought, and is in deep shit.

Long-Distance Boyfriend Girl

Lots of freshers will begin university with long-distance partners. But only this girl will talk about her boyfriend on every night out so incessantly that within weeks you feel as if you know this man you’ve never met, and yearn for him to be dumped.

Sixth Form Boy

After seven years at a school where the same teachers were giving him detentions aged 18 as they were aged 11, the total freedom of university blows his mind. Has food fights, sets off fire alarms, runs screaming down corridors at 4am and eventually breaks down crying and goes home.

Gap Year Girl

Spent three months of a year off travelling and is weighed down by the incredible wisdom she has accumulated from simple, close-to-the-earth peoples and is willing to share with you. Has some kind of ethnic hat in her room which she got from Guatemala and which is also for sale at the student market.

Creative Boy

Not like the rest of you, who are sheep and drones doomed to mediocrity, this knobhead is destined for greatness whether writing a novel, forming a band or perhaps even as an artist. Insufferable, deluded, and with a wanker’s haircut, the worst thing is that some of these will actually succeed.

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