Saturday, 7th December 2019

The mental things you never thought this election would be about

PREVIOUS general elections were at least halfway sane. This one is off-the-rails mental. Here are the issues that have made it that way: 

The Labour Party is racist

You what? Labour is the party you join if you’re a fan of lengthy debates about toxic whiteness. It’s been exaggerated by the media and delighted Tories, but discovering Labour’s hidden prejudice is at least as weird as discovering your cat can effortlessly use your laptop.

The prime minister is a pathological liar

Boris Johnson’s painfully obvious tactic is to fling out any sh*t that might get a few votes. Today free Chocolate Oranges for everyone called Susan, tomorrow the claim that Labour’s manifesto contains plans for 500 gulags, complete with diagrams.

Brexit just needs signing off 

Many people/idiots will be voting to ‘get Brexit done’ as if it’s their kid’s homework they could have finished hours ago if they’d just knuckled down to it instead of moaning and eating toast.

Free broadband!

It’s hard to recall a more specific promise in an election than saving 25 quid a month on broadband. Sure, you can call it a bribe, but there’s a crucial difference – bribes happen when the cash is in your hand. This won’t ever happen.

So many hateful scumbags 

Election 2019 is setting new standards in unlikeable politicians. It’s not biased to suggest the Tories are the worst offenders, with filth like Gove and Raab making Michael Howard look like a great bloke you’d love to go for a pint with.

It’s at bl**dy Christmas

Boris Johnson may come to rue the day he added another chore to Christmas along with buying presents for people you hate and procuring more sellotape.