Saturday, 4th April 2020

The right and wrong times to get your cock out

TORY MP James Grundy has apologised for exposing his penis in the Ram’s Head pub in Lowton in 2007, but when is the right time to whip out the chinos cobra? 

During sex: FINE

No problem here, providing the other person has signalled their excitement, or at least weary resignation, at the prospect.

On the bus: NOT FINE

No, not even the Megabus. Though on the Plymouth-Aberdeen service there’s a chance other passengers may be interested in seeing your winkie just to break up the afternoon.

At the doctor: FINE

No doctor will be shocked by the sight of a penis. Unless you’ve gone in with a mouth ulcer and have suddenly decided to find out if female doctors are nymphomaniacs, like in the films. Spoiler: no.

At the cinema: NOT FINE

Fiddling with Satan’s rocket during a film is likely to get you arrested. However if you were just doing it to remain conscious during a Michael Bay movie, juries are unlikely to convict.

On text messages: VARIES

You and your partner may be into exchanging genital pictures, which is fine apart from you’re virtual doggers. However if you’re texting random work colleagues, neighbours and your wife’s sister, it could be perceived as ‘wrong’.

At the rugby club: FINE

At a rugby club booze-up if you’re not downing pints of urine and singing misogynistic songs with your trousers and pants long-discarded, you’re the pervert.

At the Ram’s Head, Lowton, 13 years before Boris Johnson wins a thumping Tory majority: FINE