They might have upset me, says May

THERESA May has explained that she could not speak to residents of Grenfell Tower because she is feeling insecure and vulnerable right now. 

The prime minister visited the site but did not speak to locals because she could not trust herself not to get upset after the week she has had.

She continued: “It’s been just so terrible. I could have lost my house, my job…

“Even before the election I wasn’t sleeping, and even when I do close my eyes I just see Corbyn’s face.

“Everyone loves bloody Corbyn don’t they? Just because he does eye contact and that thing of putting his arm around them.

“I don’t mind talking to people, it’s just when they talk back, and then you can’t control it.

“Apparently they call it ‘interaction’ and frankly I can’t handle it.”

Kensington resident Tom Booker said: “Sorry, we didn’t realise this was a bad time.”

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Scientists discover soft Southern caveman


RESEARCHERS have found the fossilised remains of a Southern caveman who lived in a fancy cave eating dinosaur sushi.

Scientists digging near Surrey found expensive bear-bone furniture and other flashy prehistoric goods that suggest Homo Ponceus was affluent but useless at hunting.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Even four billion years ago, a cave in the South of England cost a hell of a lot more than a cave in the North, and Southern cavemen’s lifestyles reflected this.

A bed in this Southern caveman’s cave would have set you back a fortune in shiny pebbles and bear pelts.

“It’s hard to know exactly how he could afford it, probably he ran an annoying firm that made drinks out of berries called something like ‘CaveHugs’.

“While having Homo Ponceus was having dinner parties with his dickhead pre-Tory mates, Northern cavemen, who all looked identical to Sean Bean, were daubing mud onto their gaping wounds and battling sabre toothed tigers.”