Tim Farron promises to lead Liberal Democrats out of room

NEW Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron has vowed to lead the party’s eight MPs out of the meeting room they are currently confined in.  

The party remains bitterly divided about whether to attempt opening the door themselves, or to wait for someone else to open the door and then tell them how they should have done it.

Farron said: “The door is there, we’ve established that with a 75 per cent majority.

“We may wish for it to be further to the left or right on certain issues, but its position in the centre of the wall is inarguable.

“Clearly the best way to open it would be four of us on one side pushing and four on the other side pulling, demonstrating how well suited we are to working in coalition.

“Unfortunately that would require four of us to be on the other side of the door, which we are not. So we’ve agreed to wait until the door opens itself, which given conditions in Europe we believe is likely.”

The party, which remains confined in the Portland Suite, has agreed that if no further food is delivered by noon tomorrow that they will roast and eat Norman Lamb.

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Tour de France reaches infamous wine tasting stage

A THIRD of riders in the Tour de France are missing after the gruelling wine-and-cheese stage of the race.

Following 12 intense stages of cycling, much of the peleton came unstuck on the punishing 13th stage on the Route de Grands Crus through the Burgundy region.

Chris Froome said: “When you’re facing down your eighth glass of Cotes du Rhone you learn a lot about yourself.

“And however many hours you put into training, nothing can prepare you for going through the cheese wall. Brie, Gruyere, Munster, they just keep coming and all you can do is hold on.”

Froome has outpaced rival Contador, last seen swaying while struggling to down an aged Sauternes, and Spain’s Joaquim Rodriguez, last seen vomiting into a ditch under the harsh glare of a maitre d’.

Cycling journalist Tom Logan said: “Froome takes the wine-stained jersey into the next stage, but couldn’t have done it if Richie Porte hadn’t taken a daunting Roquefort and allowed him to get stuck into the Gewurztraminer.”

All riders faced mandatory blood-cholesterol and alcohol testing on completion of the stage, after Lance Armstrong was found to have substituted Monterey Jack and grape juice during his 2005 Tour de France win.