Tommy Robinson's guide to coping with rejection

LIKE a lot of renowned hard men, I have a sensitive side. And when I’m hurt, for example when I only win 2.2 per cent of the vote and lose five fucking grand, I have to know how to move on. Here’s how: 

Don’t blame yourself

When you’ve bigged yourself up as England’s greatest ever patriot and claimed you’ll be ‘walking into Brussels like Conor McGregor’ and instead sneak out of a vote count early, humiliated, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s just the voters weren’t racist enough. Work still to do.

Centre youself with a mantra

If the rejection’s stinging, repeat a little phrase like ‘I am strong, I am good, I will learn’. Or ‘I’m being censored by the liberal fascists running social media’. I can say that up to 4,000 times a day.

Take up a physical activity

The psychological benefits of exercise are proven beyond doubt. Football hooliganism is a great way of beating your woes and building your brand, and there’s always getting in an ungainly filmed scuffle after you’ve been milkshaked.

Travel

Feeling spurned and heartbroken? The unfamiliar foods, alien accents and lively customs of foreign country can really recharge your xenophobic batteries. Or just visit any British city that isn’t 100 per cent white.

Make changes in your life

Rejection can be a catalyst for change, whether it’s a new job or a new hairstyle. Personally I’m changing my name again. I think things are going to be a lot different once I’m called Ringo Rover-Mussolini.

Nigel Farage announces Tory leadership bid

NIGEL Farage has announced that he has entered the race to lead the Conservative party. 

The politician and leader of Nigel Farage vehicle the Brexit Party threw his hat in the ring last night and is already out-polling his five closest rivals put together.

A Tory insider said: “The rest of them may as well drop out now. Nige’s got this.

“The membership loves him, the electorate loves him, the camera loves him. Petty restrictions like ‘being the leader of a rival party’ simply melt away.

“He’s promised a good-humoured purge of the ranks, a jolly afternoon-pint no-deal Brexit and the subsequent naughty-little-fag-outside imposition of reporting restrictions and transition to martial law.”

Voter Martin Bishop said: “I seem to remember another man in charge of a minority populist party who couldn’t win elections but got made leader regardless, then things went a bit wrong.

“1930s Germany, this was. Funny looking chap, little moustache. I wish I could remember his name. Never mind, it’s probably not important.”