Tories hoping for 'constructive relationship' with creationist homophobes who think Pope is Satan


THE Conservative Party has reassured Britain that the government being propped up by swivel-eyed, religious lunatics is ‘totally fine’.

Ulster’s Democratic Unionist Party was founded in 1971 by the late Ian Paisley while he was stabbing an Action Man he had dressed up as Pope Paul VI.

It is now committed to influencing government policy in a wide range of demented areas.

DUP leader Arlene Foster confirmed the party supported a minority Conservative government on condition that Theresa May stands on a massive orange Bible and denounces Roman Catholicism as ‘Beelzebub’s Travelling Circus’.

She added: “Obviously we’ll also be needing a wee ban on abortion, the gayness, scientists and strong liquor.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “It’s very important we have a strong and stable government and an orderly Brexit. But don’t worry if it also appears to be completely insane.”

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Brexit to take 500 years

BRITAIN’s exit from the European Union is now on course to be completed by the middle of the 26th Century.

According to experts the process should take no more than 500 years involving 20 generations of politicians and bureaucrats.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It will become woven into the fabric of our national life. Bureaucrats and politicians will be able to pass their roles onto their children. They will inherit the family business.”

He added: “Perhaps family names may even change over the generations to reflect these jobs.

“By 2518 we could have negotiators called Brian Singlemarketaccess and Helen Courtofhumanrights.

“Wouldn’t that be absolutely super?”