THE Tories will today present their vision of a Britain made-up of self-reliant people with greater control of their own lives who don't like all them Afghans coming over here and stinking up the place.
The party's manifesto will set out plans to build a society of self-governing racists who will finally be able to get on the housing ladder 'cause all them fuzzy wuzzies have been stopped at Dover and thrown back into the sea.
The party has described the 130-page hard back document as an 'invitation to join the government of Britain as long as you were born here and are willing to forego the £190,000 salary and all the free food'.
Tory deputy chairman, Julian Cook, said: "We thought long and hard about the contents of this manifesto and got absolutely nowhere. Eventually we just phoned up Paul Dacre at the Daily Mail and wrote down everything he said."
He added: "As a politician I'm not very interested in policy, but it's mainly stuff about shoving health and safety officers into a vat of boiling tea and sending all the Gypsies back to Gypsania.
"And hopefully Mr Dacre won't notice the bit where we say a few nice things about the homos."
Meanwhile the party's 'people power' agenda includes a plan for directly-elected local police chiefs, raising the prospect of law enforcement being placed in the hands of Kerry Katona and whatever half-pissed, petty criminal happens to be blowing his muck up her at the time.
The manifesto also promises a series of endless local referenda organised by complete and utter maniacs in a bid to destroy the country before it can fall into the hands of a load of sweaty foreigners and their thieving children.
The Tories' sombre and austere Daily Mailogram contrasts sharply with the cover of the Labour manifesto, published yesterday, which depicts an optimistic British family looking forward to a new life in the Dordogne.