Tory annoyingly not a total monster

A CONSERVATIVE voter has annoyed everyone by not being as evil as they had hoped.

84-year-old Mary Fisher, who lives in a bungalow with a cat, has a track record of being pleasant and helpful, despite liking Theresa May.

Neighbour Roy Hobbs said: “I would love to say she’s a stuck-up Tory cow and class traitor, but she gave me some jam last week and it was really nice.

“It’s annoying really, I wish she would do some evil stuff but she mostly just sits in her greenhouse reading Catherine Cookson books.

“It’s possible she is a bit prejudiced, although that would be pure speculation. To be fair she does sometimes volunteer at the Oxfam shop and they give money to Africa.

“Mary loves Theresa May because she’s ‘sensible’, so I suppose you could attack her grasp of logic.

“But then yesterday I burned my hand pouring petrol on a barbecue so I can’t really take the high ground there either.”

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The Mash guide to having a political conversation

DIFFICULT political conversations could happen at any time this week. You will be expected to have opinions, and worse still listen to the opinions of others.

Here’s how to handle it:

– Say there is no difference between any of the parties, then admit you can no longer discern between dogs and cats or night and day and you need help.

– If with left-wingers, begin with “Well I’m not racist,” at which point everyone will immediately shut the conversation down in fear of what you might say next.

– If with right-wingers, say “It’s all very well but what are they doing about litter?”, steering them towards the one issue that truly excites them.

– Claim you are non-political, and vote on basis of how you feel towards a party’s brand or logo.

– Continually and loudly shout over everyone about how important it is to vote, especially for young people, even though they are mostly dicks.

– Ask everyone who their MP is and their voting record, and when they have no idea say “Pretty futile fucking discussion then?” then offer round Nik Naks.

– Confess that you are unable to vote, because you are serving a life sentence for murder.

– Insist that only voters in marginal constituencies take part in these discussions, because whatever anyone else thinks is unreservedly worthless under our current system.

– Big up the Lib Dems.