Tory conference enters Guinness Book of Records for most bastards in one place

THE Conservative party conference has won a place in the Guinness Book of Records for fitting the largest number of total bastards into one location.

Officials have confirmed the 11,000 Tories at the International Convention Centre in Birmingham is the largest collection of absolute arseholes in a space that size.

A Guinness spokesman said: “They really made an effort. They’ve got every type of arsehole, from scheming ministers to horrible old couples from the shires who are still sad about the end of apartheid.”

Delegate Norman Steele said: “As a wealthy retiree whose life is a routine of lawn-mowing and petty boundary disputes, the highlight so far has been complaining about breakfast at my hotel because they wouldn’t let me have seven sausages.

“Besides that I just enjoy being with like-minded people who love Brexit and still describe women as ‘crumpet’.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman reaches 10,000 steps at door of chippy

A WOMAN has congratulated herself on hitting her daily goal of 10,000 steps by going on a special excursion to the chip shop. 

Nikki Hollis, aged 35, has been making a concerted effort to live a healthier lifestyle and was concerned she would miss her target until she came up with the brilliant idea of going for a fish supper.

She said: “I just hadn’t done enough steps and it was tearing me apart. My stomach was rumbling with the worry.

“Then I worked out that the chippy is about 600 steps away, and I could kill two birds with one stone. It’s all about efficiency.

“When I hit my target, I realised I’d be doing extra steps on the way home so I could have large chips, curry sauce, saveloy and a full-fat Coke. And a cigarette.

“Being healthy’s easy as long as you plan ahead. Tomorrow I’m going on a 10K run to the pub.”