Tory conference enters Guinness Book of Records for most bastards in one place

THE Conservative party conference has won a place in the Guinness Book of Records for fitting the largest number of total bastards into one location.

Officials have confirmed the 11,000 Tories at the International Convention Centre in Birmingham is the largest collection of absolute arseholes in a space that size.

A Guinness spokesman said: “They really made an effort. They’ve got every type of arsehole, from scheming ministers to horrible old couples from the shires who are still sad about the end of apartheid.”

Delegate Norman Steele said: “As a wealthy retiree whose life is a routine of lawn-mowing and petty boundary disputes, the highlight so far has been complaining about breakfast at my hotel because they wouldn’t let me have seven sausages.

“Besides that I just enjoy being with like-minded people who love Brexit and still describe women as ‘crumpet’.”