TV debate must include at least two mental ones, says Cameron

THE prime minister has said he will only participate in a TV debate if there are at least two mental participants to make him look good.

In a letter to broadcasters, David Cameron demanded ‘minimum a couple of nutcases’.

He added that ‘the Greens and Farage should suffice, but if there’s a party devoted to UFOs I definitely want them in.

‘Also I want my own cheese board in the Green Room, with my name on it. Organic bread with seeds in plus three quality cheeses – this is non-negotiable.’

A government source said: “He’s creating an environment where all he has to do is hold out his arms and go ‘look at them, is this what you want?’

“David’s not likeable or charismatic but he does have the stolid vibe of a man who has missionary position sex 2.2 times per week. Voters relate to that.”

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Ask Holly: I'm worried about flirty emails to David Miliband

Dear Holly,

With all this talk about releasing my private emails, I am racking my brains to remember if there is anything I should be worried about. Most of them are just between Bill and I but I’ve got a feeling I’ve also maybe done a few flirty ones to David Miliband and there are possibly a few references to Monica Lewinsky using the c-word.

Hillary Clinton

America

Dear Hillary,

Did you know that, hundreds of years ago, before the invention of social media, if you wanted to talk to your friends it was a slow and complicated process. You would have to type out an email in sentences and put everyone’s email addresses in the cc box and say, ‘hello friends, why not look at this funny video of a dramatic chipmunk on YouTube’ or something, and then you’d have to sit and refresh your inbox every two minutes to see what people replied: ‘haha that is indeed really funny’ and so on. I know it’s hard to believe that people were ever even able to function on a basic level without emojis and a ‘like’ button, but remember these were the days of The Venga Boys and Noel’s House Party, when humanity was generally impoverished.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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