UK economy eight per cent too large, Brexiters agree

BREXITERS have agreed that the UK’s economy is oversized, unwieldy and needs to be trimmed by about eight per cent. 

Senior figures in the Brexit movement have also decided that house prices are on average 30 per cent too high, inflation could do with going up to 6.6 per cent, and there should be more unemployment.

Former Brexit minister David Davis said: “The UK’s simply been too successful. This bulldog’s too fat.

“To compete in the lean, mean global marketplace we need a slimmer, hungrier Britain, with good high interest rates to encourage mortgage holders to take second jobs in the evening.

“Get out of your comfort zone, people. So what if you can’t afford butter? Could Shakespeare? Did Isaac Newton complain about only having one pair of trousers?

“We need to downsize. We need to shed a few pounds. It’s diet time, and what could make dieting easier than there being no food?”

Davis added: “Eight per cent is nothing. If we’re ambitious, we can halve our economy’s size.”

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Dipping headlights is for losers, claims git

A MAN who does not dip his headlights thinks he is a master of the universe rather than the worst person the world, it has been confirmed.

Bastard Tom Logan has not dipped his headlights since he passed his test 20 years ago, believing that allowing oncoming motorists to drive without being blinded is for ‘ordinary people’.

Logan said: “I drive a Volvo XC90 so my glorious full beam is at just the right height.

“I like to drive around in the dark even if I have nowhere to go. I want people to know I’m out there, filling the world with light.

“I absolutely love driving right behind someone with my lights on full beam. I fill their car with a golden glow. They must feel as if they are in the presence of a god.

“But then, for some reason, they slow right down and even put their hazards on. It’s incredibly selfish and rude.”