Man sickened by the very thought of December

A MAN is filled with dread at the thought of a month filled with tortuous social situations.

Martin Bishop is experiencing horror and nausea as he prepares a series of events involving co-workers, clients, extended family and, worst of all, his neighbours.

Bishop said: “Jesus got nailed to a cross but it was over in an afternoon. How would he have coped with 31 days of lukewarm wine, manky little pies and stilted conversations?

“For the next month, I have to be ‘nice’ because there’s a sparkly tree in the corner of the room.”

Bishop added: “This year, instead of pretending to be interested in anything anyone has to say, I’ll just say exactly what I think.

“It will mean that next Christmas I’ll be unemployed, living in a tent on a windy Welsh hillside and be completely on my own.

“I cannot wait.”

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Britain expels clever people

A GROWING number of intelligent people have been expelled from the UK for smelling weird and preferring maths to telly.

The move to deport ‘clevers’, also known as ‘wordles’, ‘thinkies’ and ‘bookpoofs’, is the boldest step yet in the government’s five-year plan to rid the country of anyone who dislikes the footie and reads for personal fulfilment.

A government spokesman said: “No one in modern Britain likes a smart arse. We hated them at school and we hate them even more now.

“Our initial anti-thinky plan to force them overseas by cutting all money to science and other totally yawnsome stuff was nowhere near radical enough.”

He added: “Britain has simply evolved to a point where they are no longer needed. They just make everyone else feel bad, with their rubbish clothes and their words with lots of syllabubs. Syllabalells. Sybels.

“Whatever, who gives a fuck?”

Tom Logan, who is working in a phone shop while waiting to become famous, said: “My only problem with clever people is that they think they’re better than us, just because they aren’t frequently covered in puke outside a Wetherspoons.”