BRITAIN is to take the idea of the cashless economy a step further by becoming a moneyless economy, George Osborne has announced.No more Nectar points
The chancellor said his policies meant that using credit and debit cards instead of cash had been superseded by the even simpler process of having no money at all and scavenging to survive.
Osborne said: In the cashless economy you still had to pay your credit card bill or remember your PIN, but now all youll need is a weapon to fight off people trying to steal your bag of roadkill.
The tedious ritual of doing a big weekly shop will be a thing of the past, because instead youll be trying to catch squirrels in the park, or making a winter coat with your mum’s cocker spaniels.
Moneyless payment methods such as performing sexual favours also mean you wont have to worry about credit card expiry dates or the embarrassment of having your card refused.
And while its easy to go out without your wallet, you cant go out without your arse.
The Federation of British Retailers said more shoppers were choosing not to pay with cash or cards, instead opting to brandish a screwdriver as they stuffed their pockets with food before running off.
Middle-class mum Donna Sheridan said: Fortunately my ridiculous BMW 4×4 is the size of a Panzer tank, so Ive been able to do plenty of ram-raiding in time for Christmas.