UKIP to ban snoods, foreign cheese and all curries hotter than a rogan josh

UKIP has unveiled its manifesto with a pledge to ban the snood, hot curry and ‘untrustworthy’ foreign cheese.

Party leader Paul Nuttall said the policies showed UKIP was ‘getting back to its roots’ and ‘listening to ordinary people who are rightly terrified of snoods’.

But the bulk of the manifesto will focus on the banning of foreign foodstuffs, particularly the gooier French cheeses and the hotter curries, including dopiaza, jalfrezi and vinadaloo.

Nuttall said: “Supermarket shelf space that should be used for solid, heterosexual English cheese is being surrendered to squidgy European filth made by perverts.

“And as much as I respect the virile manliness required to take on a really hot curry, there comes a point where it goes from being just a bit too spicy to being a deliberate attempt to destroy British culture from within.

“Much like the snood.”

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We will vote Conservative because we deserve to be punished, says Britain

BRITONS will elect a Conservative government because they believe they are bad and deserve to suffer, polls have confirmed. 

Voters agree that Theresa May, who transparently despises them, is the candidate to deliver the severe chastising that they know deep down is all they are worthy of.

Nikki Hollis of Leicester said: “I will be voting for Mrs May because I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.

“When Gordon Brown was Prime Minister I bought a pair of £95 trousers on my credit card even though I hadn’t saved up for them.

“I caused the financial crisis. It’s only just I pay the price for it.”

Norman Steele said, “When Mrs May tells us a hard Brexit will be good for us and toughen us up because we’ve had it easy too long, I know she’s right.

“We can’t expect other countries to be our friends. We have to take our beating then say ‘thank you very much, sir’ and ask for more.

“Life shouldn’t be good. Life should be Conservative.”