Middle-class family tanning absolute f**k out of their National Trust membership

A FAMILY have spent the holidays giving their National Trust cards an absolute fucking hammering. 

The Booker family, who have visited six National Trust properties in the last five days, have admitted they are ripping the complete piss and have no intention of stopping now.

Tom Booker said: “I’m surprised they haven’t put a block on our cards, because we are going totally fucking hogwild.

“Castles, stately homes, historic cottages, we don’t give a fuck mate. If there’s oak leaves on a brown sign we’re in, out, on to the next one.

“They must regret the day they ever made us members. Hundreds of pounds we’ve had off them and we don’t even go the tea room, so it’s pure profit.

“King John’s Hunting Lodge, two miles away? Don’t mind if I fucking do.”

A National Trust spokesman said: “Shit. Shit. Shit. Why didn’t English Heritage tell us they’d already banned these freeloading arseholes?”

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EU dares to have Brexit demands

THE EU has dared to have a list of demands for the Brexit negotiations when it is Britain that will be doing the demanding. 

Leaked documents suggest the UK will be asked to pay bills and submit to European court rulings even though it has voted not to and is strong now.

Brexiter Stephen Malley said: “You what? Demands? Does a private make demands of a general?

“They need to get it through their heads that we’re in the driving seat now. We’ve got the whole world to trade with. They want to keep us sweet.

“How they persist in seeing themselves as our equals is baffling. Yes, there might be 27 of them, but we’re Britain. We won the bloody war.”

Brexit minister David Davis agreed: “They really are hopelessly deluded about their status in the world. I pity them.”