UKIP to bow out with massive pub brawl

UKIP is to signal its demise with a classic British pub fight, it has been confirmed.

As the party descends into chaos, leaders are inviting all party members to participate in the giant farewell brawl.

A spokesman said: “The fight will be held in one of those pubs that Nigel Farage likes, with loads of creepy old farming implements all over the ceiling and an old man in a pleather coat smoking in the porch.

“Nigel has been asked to start the fight, probably by ‘accidentally’ spilling a pint of beer on Diane James’ cardigan.

“She is then expected to leap up and fling a plate of molten hot cheesy chips at his groin, accidentally scalding Paul Nuttall and Henry Bolton in the process.

“After that we’d welcome a bit of a free-for-all, and are inviting everyone to really go to town on each other with chairs, bottles, horse brasses and whatever else comes to hand.

“We’re predicting the kind of thing where everyone thinks they look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, but they’re actually just a bunch of five-year-olds scrapping over a shit toy.”


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Dylan thinks Nobel Prize letter is gas bill

BOB Dylan has not opened his letter from the Nobel Prize committee because he believes it is a gas bill.

The letter offering Dylan the Nobel Prize for Literature arrived three days ago, and has since been left on the singer’s kitchen table with his bank statement, a reminder about his National Geographic subscription and a card from a local taxi firm.

Dylan said: “White envelope with window. Printed address headed ‘Mr B. Dylan’ with ‘Urgent’ stamped on front. Sod that.

“I’ve got an album of delta blues-style covers of child’s nursery rhymes to write, or something equally weird.

“The royalty cheques come in brown envelopes so I’ll just leave this here on the pile until it gets binned or somebody else deals with it.

“I’m Bob Dylan so I don’t give a fuck.”

A source close to the singer said: “He’d be gutted if he knew, because like all old men his main goal in life is to get a free gravy dinner with unlimited potatoes.”