We’re both shit but he’s a lunatic, says Owen Smith

LABOUR leadership candidate Owen Smith used last night’s BBC hustings to repeat that while both candidates are shit, Jeremy Corbyn is also deranged. 

The challenger surprised critics by admitting he was a terrible candidate and would be unfit to lead the Labour party if his opponent were not just as terrible and delusional to boot.

Smith continued: “Let’s be real about this: I’m hopeless. Anyone who thought the only way was up after Ed Miliband should take a look at my total disaster of a campaign.

“However, be in no doubt that Jeremy Corbyn’s record of incompetence can easily match my own, on top of which he is a total nutter who keeps a photo of Lenin in his wallet to consult at difficult times.

“Even knowing that I am in all respects useless – and I promise you, I do – puts me ahead of a man who believes that four decades wearing beige on a backbench makes him God’s gift to socialism.

“In summary, I am shit but Jeremy Corbyn is shit and mental, and on those grounds I ask for your vote. Thank you.”

Jeremy Corbyn responded by gripping the podium and staring dementedly around the room as if deciding who would be first against the wall when his revolution came.

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Man on train has actually paid for a seat for his bag

A MAN on a crowded train has actually bought a ticket for the bag on the seat next to him.

Martin Harper was travelling on the busy Leeds to York train when several passengers standing in the aisle began making tutting noises and pointing at the bag.

Passenger Roy Hobbs said: “I asked him ’I suppose you’ve paid for the seat your bag is sat on?’ in the most sarcastic voice I could manage. And he replied, ‘Yes, I have,’ and showed me the tickets.”

Harper said: “I told Mr Hobbs that I always get tickets for my shopping, though, naturally, I only pay a child’s fare because it does not contain anything that is over 14 years of age.

“Mr Hobbs then suggested that I should perhaps get a family rail card so as to make further savings on travel for myself and my bag. But that would be immoral since my bag and I are not related.”

Harper started buying tickets for his bag a few years ago after an unfortunate incident in which he almost had to sit beside the leader of the Labour Party. He added: “He smelled of fried chicken wings.”