BRITAIN is fucked into a cocked hat because the former leader of the Labour Party did not know how to eat bacon, experts have confirmed.
New research has shown the UK would not be facing an economic and social nightmare if Ed Miliband did not eat sandwiches like a baby camel with dry mouth attempting to choke down an entire pack of Ryvita.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “If they’d put a large sack over his head and let him eat his sandwich in peace, then none of this would have happened. At the very least it would have prevented a Tory majority.
“Or they could have just blended his sandwich into a meaty milkshake and made him sip it through a straw.
“Instead we’re discussing whether insulin is absolutely necessary and how much of the M20 should be turned into a carpark.”
Miliband, who now eats all his food from a hessian sack as a matter of principle, thinks the public would have warmed to it.
He added:”By my second term you’d barely even think it was weird.”