We're in this f**king mess because Ed Miliband eats bacon like a horse, confirm experts

BRITAIN is fucked into a cocked hat because the former leader of the Labour Party did not know how to eat bacon, experts have confirmed.

New research has shown the UK would not be facing an economic and social nightmare if Ed Miliband did not eat sandwiches like a baby camel with dry mouth attempting to choke down an entire pack of Ryvita.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “If they’d put a large sack over his head and let him eat his sandwich in peace, then none of this would have happened. At the very least it would have prevented a Tory majority.

“Or they could have just blended his sandwich into a meaty milkshake and made him sip it through a straw.

“Instead we’re discussing whether insulin is absolutely necessary and how much of the M20 should be turned into a carpark.”

Miliband, who now eats all his food from a hessian sack as a matter of principle, thinks the public would have warmed to it.

He added:”By my second term you’d barely even think it was weird.”

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Terrifying local pub does karaoke from 9am

A SCARY pub does karaoke through every day from nine in the morning and all the locals seem to love it, it has emerged.

The Grapes in Swindon has carved out a niche in the incredibly early karaoke market, as well as being the kind of place where you could buy an exotic animal with no questions asked.

Local resident, Donna Sheridan said: “Wait around outside for any length of time and you’re guaranteed to hear six or seven versions of In the Ghetto.

“Followed by a handful of barely coherent performances of My Way and then a version of Islands in the Stream that will end with a cacophony of shattering glass.

“And all before elevenses.”

Fellow local resident, Tom Booker said: “I walked past the other day and heard one of the old blokes singing Losing My Religion by R.E.M at 9.15 am.

“ It was weirdly uplifting and much better than the original.”