What about no prime minister, suggests Britain

BRITAIN has given its backing to a radical new plan of replacing Theresa May with nobody at all and leaving the post permanently vacant. 

As plotting against the prime minister gathers strength, the country has largely agreed with the Tories that there are no suitable candidates and suggested Downing Street should be left fallow for the immediate future.

Nail artist Nikki Hollis said: “Not Boris. Not Rudd. Not Rees-Mogg or Davis or Leadsom or any of the rest, and you know what? Not Corbyn either.

“There’s no shame in admitting that the UK has absolutely no credible candidates for leadership and just calling it quits and muddling along for a bit. Hey, better no deal than a bad deal, right?

“May’s already essentially a vacancy at the top. We’d just be making it formal.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “I could still come out here and say we want a great deal that works for everyone even without anyone actually in charge, so why not?

“And if nobody’s using her room we could turn it into a gym.”

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TV shows ordered to end properly

DRAMATIC TV shows must have proper conclusions that resolve everything and stop this ambiguous nonsense, Ofcom has ruled. 

The watchdog received a record number of complaints following the ending of Doctor Foster, which once again left viewers with an unacceptable number of unresolved questions and loose ends.

A spokesman said: “These kind of endings were acceptable in high-quality arty television like The Sopranos, but for an weeknight drama to be employing them is simply lazy and confusing.

“We’ve had reports of viewers unable to sleep, forced to seek out recaps online, and suffering the troubling sense that not everything in life ties up easily in 90 minutes. Intellectually they can’t cope.

“In future, high-profile drama must conclude with the good characters rewarded, the bad characters punished, and the audience left with a warm feeling of closure without unsettling overtones.

“Resolve your plotlines in a satisfactory manner or face record fines. That’s the law.”

Doctor Foster fan Donna Sheridan said: “The ending really made me think. Bollocks to that.”