Why doesn't the ignorant, dickhead, extremist British public like us? ask centrist politicians

MODERATE UK politicians are bewildered that the clueless, moronic, and bigoted general public, especially those in the godforsaken North, do not support them and their careers.

Labour campaigner Tom Logan is mystified that his widely-distributed pamphlet ‘We Wear Suits And Know What’s Best For You So Do As You’re Told’ has failed to woo voters in the Labour heartlands.

Logan said: “Lord knows we do our best for these people, as much as possible when you’re living in the real world created by Margaret Thatcher.

“We’ve pledged to be ‘on their side’, ‘hear their concerns’ and ‘bring aspiration back to schools’ and yet we’re met with apathy by the very people who should be voting for us in droves because they always used to.”

He added: “I see these people on the doorstep every day and I say the same thing over and over to them: ‘Are you thick, or what?’”

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Woman can't wait to use new bread maker three times

A WOMAN who bought a bread-maker is excited to use it three times before going back to buying bread.

Nikki Hollis bought the appliance with the intention of making two loaves of healthy, low salt organic, ‘farmhouse-style’ white bread and one with olives or something.

She said: “I’ve always wanted to experience the satisfaction of spending half a day making something that I will only be able to eat half of before it goes off.

“If I make three it works out to just £42 per loaf, and the best bit is I will have to do all the hard work. For a few days it really will feel so much better than buying bread.”

According to Hollis, the minimal use and significant expense is complemented by the utter impracticality of owning the appliance.

She added: “I bet it’s a real bitch to clean as well. It’s all just so fabulous!”