Why I accept full responsibility for the total f**king shitshow I was handed, by Sir Keir Starmer

TOMORROW, Labour will lose a parliamentary seat they have held for 60 years. And, why f**k about, I will accept that it is all my fault. 

I won’t mention Brexit. I won’t say anything about governments historically performing well in national emergencies. I won’t mention my twat predecessor. I will take it on the chin.

If arguments are to be made that I’ve only been in office 13 months, we’ve spent most of it in f**king lockdown, and anyway Britain chuckles indulgently at everything the current occupant of Downing Street does like he’s a spoiled bloody child, they won’t be made by me.

Instead I will take responsibility. I will stand there as a Labour seat full of fishermen and steelworkers who’ve had their livelihoods destroyed falls to those who did it, and I will pretend their decision is rational.

‘Lessons to be learned,’ I will say, rather than ‘Lemmings voting for higher cliffs with sharper rocks at the bottom’ or the more simple, prosaic ‘for f**k’s sake’.

And certainly, when left-wing Twitter warriors jeer at me for failing to completely turn around a party that Jeremy Corbyn led to two defeats in two years, I won’t stoop to blaming him for making a national party into radioactive communists.

I will not hide. I will face forward and claim the entire f**king mess Britain and the Labour party are in is down to me. I will look you in the eye and spout that absolute, transparent bullshit.

Because apparently that’s what you like.

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Laurence Fox the twat London deserves, rest of Britain agrees

UK residents outside London have agreed that Laurence Fox is exactly the kind of prick that Londoners deserve to have as mayor. 

Northerners, Scots, and the Welsh are struggling to understand why Fox is polling so badly given that he is a self-obsessed arrogant media wanker, just like all the other residents of the capital.

Barnsley resident Tom Logan said: “Laurence Fox is a truly loathsome individual whose odious views pose a threat to society, but that’s Londoners for you.

“He’s talentless, he owes his career to nepotism, he knows nothing about ordinary people while constantly insisting he knows what’s best for them. Surely in a city of twats, the super-twat should be king?”

Charlotte Phelps of Sunderland agreed: “I’ve never been to London but I wish all Londoners nothing but misfortune. So we’d all vote for him.

“Making Laurence Fox the Mayor of London would be the best way to truly drench their chips in piss. Metaphorically, as Londoners eat only sourdough and fatbergs.”

Jordan Gardner of Southwark said: “Yes, I’m voting Fox. He’s waging a war for free speech, fighting for my right to continue calling him a vain, Aryan piss-weasel.”