Why should my week off be ruined because there's sewage on your hall carpet?

by Boris Johnson

OH NO, there’s dirty water lapping at the MDF of your flat-pack kitchen. Dear me, your dismal new-build hallway’s swimming in sh*t. Exactly why is that my problem? 

You may remember me. I’m the prime minister. I won the election hands down. I’m in charge. Yes, very powerful.

But I’m not Cnut the Great, if you’ll forgive my OId Norse. I can neither turn back the tide nor part the waters. So why should I have to turn up to your bloody flood?

Where am I? Staying in a 115-room country mansion with my girlfriend, 25 years younger than I am, drinking a port that Churchill had laid down in 1943.

Do I fancy leaving that behind, strapping my wellies on and wading through filthy brown water to look at your pathetic house? Do I arse.

Let me just check, when’s the next election? End of 2024? And will any of these floods be remembered then? I very much suspect not.

It breaks my heart that all your IKEA furniture has been ruined and your library of Lee Child hardback first editions washed away with the tide. So tawdry and then the flood. I can’t bear to think about it.

Shut up, move to higher ground and do please bugger off. I’m busy. This country isn’t going to f**k over itself.

Yours, the prime minister.

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Whole lunch thrown into chaos as man orders starter

A LUNCH with friends has been tipped into panic and disarray after one man ordered a starter without checking with anyone. 

The table of six had been enjoying an upbeat beginning to the meal when the off-piste move by Tom Booker completely upended proceedings.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve been meeting for meals for years and this has never happened before.

“It’s an unspoken rule: drinks, straight to mains, go wild on dessert. So when we heard Tom order those chicken wings, the train jumped its tracks. We’re in uncharted territory now.

“What do we do, all wait staring at him while he eats? Will he offer them round? Do we have to order starters? I’ve got to be back in work by half-one.

“It was honestly more shocking than the dinner where Dan said he was leaving his wife and training to become a clown.”

Booker said: “I wanted a starter so I’m having a starter. Yeah I kind of hate you all.”