Yes, I suppose I am a bit like Jesus, admits Huhne

FORMER cabinet minister Chris Huhne has been forced to admit he is basically a modern day Christ.

Huhne, who went to jail for lying to the police, said that, like Jesus, he had paid the price for being much better than everyone else.

He added: “Like Jesus, I had a simple mission. Where Jesus talked of loving your neighbour, I approved lots of wind farm applications.

“Then, as if preordained, I waded into the phone hacking row after many others had paved the way for me, like dozens of John the Baptists.

“And whereas Jesus stormed the temple, I was caught doing 69 in a 50 zone on the M11. But we were making the same moral argument.

“Okay, so Jesus didn’t lie about storming the temple and ask Judas to take the blame, but he wasn’t under the same pressure as I was. Jesus was preaching to handfuls of losers in a desert, whereas I was the Lib Dem candidate for Eastleigh.”

Huhne said: “Where Christ and I are exactly the same is that we were both betrayed. Him by Judas and me by my hatchet-faced bitch of an ex-wife.

“All I ever asked her to do was have faith in me and my mission to bring truth and love to all the people of the world. And say that she was driving the car.

“But, for some reason, Jesus is still hailed as the son of God while everyone thinks I’m a devious bastard.

“Would it help if I grew a beard?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Panda cub to be faked using badger

EDINBURGH zoo plans to fake the birth of a panda cub using a badger, it has been claimed.

A zoo source said: “Giant panda Tian Tian isn’t really pregnant, it’s all a massive ruse like the Apollo moon landings.

“Basically they’re going to stick a badger in the pen, because badgers look pretty much like small pandas. They’re the same colour, furry and squat.

“They’ll call it Chi Chi and sell visitors lots of pencil cases and postcards.”